an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She bit a glass in half.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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