On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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