STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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