How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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