I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
