Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
