In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
