Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
