I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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