I'm eating all of the evidence.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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