then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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