Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
