I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
So squirting runs in the family.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
