I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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