if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
