How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
