You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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