Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
