Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
