There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
FUCK WHALES
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
