I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
We got so high we made milksteak
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
