I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
