I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Randomize
