my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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