this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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