Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
