I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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