after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
