seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
