my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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