You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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