also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
