Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
