Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
