Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
