20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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