Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
it's like heaven, but drunker
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
