i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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