Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
