My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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