well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
