im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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