if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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