Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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