That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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