he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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