I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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