when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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