i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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