It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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