My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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