wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
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